Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
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Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
my professor scared me for a second