lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
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I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.