Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
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*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Reporter: *ports again*
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead