*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
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127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
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{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”