[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
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My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
He’s dead
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
This could be us but you eatin’
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.