Light as a feather, smorg as a board
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“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine