[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
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Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”