lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
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So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
sigh
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Trumpy Cat
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.