[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
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[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
yeah 😭
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.