*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
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(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Worst Native American name ever.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive