*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
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Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.