*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
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Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
when dads have a rap battle
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.