*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
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The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”