“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
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You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min