Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
You Might Also Like
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.