like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
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Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”