@squirrel74wkgn

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

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@hamersauce

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

@ol_boo_cocky

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

@robdelaney

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

@CornOnTheGoblin

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

@FattMernandez

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

@juskewitch

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

@theshantilly

Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

@QueenVofCoffee

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

@michimama75

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.