Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

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Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.


“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.


MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids


I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.


What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?



Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.


This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.


Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.


The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.


I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.