Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
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beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
mathematically impossible
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.