Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
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Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
*exercises sarcastically*
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow