Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’

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My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.


There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.


I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.


“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information


As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.


When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.


Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath


“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”