@EricaWhoToYou Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
@HatfieldAnne Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
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@EricaWhoToYou 
@mjkspeaks [meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
@RobDenBleyker Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
@Book_Krazy What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
@CornOnTheGoblin [whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
@dyldonot Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
@TheCatWhisprer My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
@MadamBetteNoire Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
@chuuew [Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
@lisaxy424 My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.