Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
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Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.