@HatfieldAnne

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.

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@EricaWhoToYou

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

@mjkspeaks

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

@RobDenBleyker

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

@Book_Krazy

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

@dyldonot

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

@TheCatWhisprer

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

@MadamBetteNoire

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.

@chuuew

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.

@lisaxy424

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.