Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
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If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.