Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
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Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
#SuperBowl
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.