Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
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“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.