Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
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@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Just me and my debit card against the world
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Cats (2019)
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag