Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
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Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
This is a bad sign
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.