like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
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*What time is it?~How my send button should function
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Try and stop me.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive