Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
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Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT