Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.

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If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.


What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.


ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse


What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.


In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.


You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself


Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.


Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars


If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started