Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Lisa_Laughs_

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

@P1ssed_K1d

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

@Brampersandon_

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse

@daemonic3

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

@wildethingy

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

@nerdcula

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

@rovingthought

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

@SpacemanQuisp

Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.

@Up2Long

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

@Playing_Dad

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started