Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
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“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?