Like sleeping!
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Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
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Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
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Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
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Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?