Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing

Beards are a privilege, not a right

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.