Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
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My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.