Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
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This woman is my idol. Free her.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying