Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
You Might Also Like
me and my fake scenarios
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Self-cleaning conscience
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream