Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Breaking news:
