Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
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Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I’ve been drinking.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*