likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Catering service
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
My birthstone is a marshmallow
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now