*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
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It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
🤣could you imagine
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!