Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
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If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Got ya covered
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.