[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
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My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.