How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
*limbos away from your hug*
You Might Also Like
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Netflix: We have Less
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”
Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.