*limbos away from your hug*
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“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”