Limited budget
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My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably