Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
You Might Also Like
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
that wasn’t the question
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up