*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
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Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Netflix: We have Less
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Goat cheese is for herders.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME