What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
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[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
“am or pm?”