@hobo_hands

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

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@natedog2049

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

@Jeffwni

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

@johntabin

Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio

@pixelatedboat

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

@eleniZarro

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

@AimeeHelene1

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

@iamburtjarvis

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

@MelvinofYork

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

@murrman5

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”