“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
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[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels