Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
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“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
a public service announcement
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?