Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
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Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
This was a bad idea all around
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
ugh not again
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash