Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
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As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Finally a use for spoilers…
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*