LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
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The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people