LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
You Might Also Like
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Every haunted house movie:
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.