LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
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Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
This meal prepping shit is easy
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla